Tuesday, October 25, 2005

If You Happen To See Me, Please Let Me Know. I'd Like To Talk To Myself.

I'm one of those people who when personal things are going down (and I do mean down) I tend to keep them inside. Unfortunately it all ends up coming out in a big sobbing mess at some point. That's what happened to me yesterday after work. I made the mistake of calling home and I ended up talking to my niece on the phone. As usual when I call home, I petty much sat on the other end of the phone listening to issues being vented. Most of this conversation had to do with her and her mother. That's when I lost it.

I hung up the phone and all of a sudden I started crying. It wasn't one of those pretty cries either....it was one of the sloppy ones. I realized that this was happening because of a culmination of different things: work related, personal, and family. That night I had a talk with my roommate and I had this epiphany.....I'm emotionally bankrupt and I feel like I've lost myself.

I feel like an ATM that people are taking too many withdrawals from but depositing nothing to replenish what they are using. I find that I spend alot of time listening to people talk about their problems, helping them out when they are in a financial crunch, and just plain bending over backwards to make things easier for them. Yet I get very little in return. I'm not talking about a monetary return either....a simple "Thank you" or a show of appreciation would be more than enough. Is that too much to ask for? I spend so much time giving and giving support or a shoulder to cry on that by the time I get to myself I have nothing left. Nada. Zip.

Things at work have been pretty tight too. Being that my income is commission based finances are having to be watched right now. I cannot call home without getting an earfull of so-and so aren't talking to each other because of some really stupid (and I do mean S-T-U-P-I-D) fight or my brother's girlfriend is pregnant or mom's being absurdly rude to dad. Throw Mr. Lamont and how all his shit is affecting me into the mix and I'm at my wits end.

I'm supposed to go home for Thanksgiving and now I don't even want to bother. Growing up I always felt like my oldest sister Peggi had somewhat disconnected herself from the rest of the family. I never really understood why I felt that way but last night I did. If I can get this worked up being 500 miles away from them, then I don't even want to think about how I'd be if I was within 10 feet.

Maybe I'll get a sign. A big flashing sign that says "I'm sorry, you're transaction cannot be completed at this time." Think it'll work??


At 10:39 AM, Blogger CR said...

The sign is worth a shot.
Hopefully you are feeling better today and can get back to being your normal self.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger KB said...

I think you should stop worring about everyone elses problems and worry about your own. I also think you shouldn't make a lot of drama out of things that aren't really worth it. Make time for yourself. You are the only person that can make your life worth living!

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Kelly C. said...

You and I are so similar. I feel ya' on everything you're saying. I recently discovered that, even though it's tough when you are being drained emotinally, the opportunities to fill back up can be awesome. Just be sure you're open to any and all inspiration, and do what you can to block those negative forces coming at you (I ended up avoiding certain people for just a little bit until I felt better).

You're one of my most favorite people in the world, and if there is anything I can ever do for you, just let me know. You are always welcome to spend Thanksgiving in the great state of Ohio (I can't afford to go home)! How fun does that sound?! (Shush...I'm trying to be positive here.) Love you!

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Willie said...

How did they resolve the issue? Did you have to call them or email them?
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