Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole.....Anyone Have A Pill?

This weekend was exhausting for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now don't get me wrong about the level of fun because I had more fun than I have had in a VERY long time.

Since Fernando couldn't go it was just Cesar and I who headed out to Houston. The drive down was really good....traffic was very light and the weather was beautiful. We got the hotel and checked in around 9:00 and spent about 1 1/2 hours just relaxing before getting beautified and heading out. As is always the case this wasn't without some adventure!

We were lost for a considerable amount of time. I don't know what part of Houston we were in (apparently it's called The Heights) and after almost an hour (I think) we stopped at a gas station and asked for directions. We eventually made it to our destination in one piece. I think Cesar was a little on the tired side and I was on the nervous I-want-to-throw-up side because of who I was going to be seeing. When I did see him I can't explain what went through me. It was like someone turned on the emotion valve and I began to overflow. I was praying that I would be able to compose myself and be relaxed. I'm not even sure how good of a job I did.

Cesar did make a threat on Saturday night.....either I get everything out or he was going to do it for me! So I did exactly what Cesar said to do on Sunday. Things came out of my mouth that I didn't think I had the guts to say and now I'm a train wreck. I know that I am such a stubborn person and always want some sort of control over any situation that I'm in but now I feel more vulnerable than I have ever felt.....and I don't like it. I tore down my wall and let my true feelings and colors be seen. Even though what I said was said to me in return and that made me ecstatic, I feel shredded inside. I've heard people use the word "heartache" and I completely understand now what they mean now.

I'm sitting here at work and cannot concentrate. My mind is racing at 1000 mph and I want to be able to slam on the brakes....but I can't. Part of me wants someone to tell me I'm being completely irrational and to bring me down a level or two. I'm trying really hard to keep myself occupied because I know that if I don't and allow myself to sit here and think I'll lose it and start crying. In fact, I did this morning. I became overpowered by a wave of emotion and as hard as I tried to stop it I couldn't. It wasn't one of those annoying sobbing cries either.....they just started falling from my eyes like rain.

I wish I could be a hard person and be able to shut my emotions off whenever I feel like it....but I can't. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it and move on to the next stage in this development.....wherever it takes me I don't know.


At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Cheeks. It's your sis. Listen, I know exactly what you mean. I'll have to tell you about the guy I was seeing. What a complete mess. But, I've talked to his ex-wife and we got along nicely. It's so totally crazy. I know what you mean about letting that damn wall down and having the flood gates spill over. When the thoughts get to be too much, turn them into positive actions instead. Make yourself busy and that kinda helps. Kinda. Well, sort of. Actually, that's just bullshit. But things will get better. What I don't get is that if the other person feels the same way, why do you seem to be down? It's worse when you can't have the other person. Believe me, I know. But I look at it this way. After finding out the shit I did, I have to thank God for unanswered prayers. Call sometime, you little soon-to-be old shit! ha ha! luciana ;)

At 12:14 PM, Blogger KB said...

Oh,Chico. It's all those things you try to mask that makes you the fabulous Chico that we love! Embrase the discomfort. Love, and love lost are both good for you! Both help to shape you into a better person.

At 1:14 PM, Blogger Erik Mann said...

I was searching for blogs that had Dallas, TX in them and came across yours. I live in Dallas and have a self defense school. I like the posts on your blog, so I've bookmarked it to stop back by periodically. Take care.


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